Life With My Boys
by Sweetly-Sadistic's-Romanticide
Summary: A random comedy with Artemis, Drizzt, Jaraxle, Hellboy, Abe, V, Data and so many more including POTO. Sort of random, sort of perverted but fun to write. Great cure for boredom, I swear.
1. Chapter 1

Data: ...sixteen minutes and thirty-eight seconds.

Corrine: Shut up, Data. I didn't really need a count down for how long it'll take me to finish this chapter. *resumes typing furiously, with cigarette burning in her lips*

Drizzt: *sips sarsaparilla bottle* You should really stop smoking. It's not even remotely healthy.

Corrine: *stops typing long enough to chuck a random soda can at him, missing horribly* And maybe you should take up something unhealthy. Like drinking actual beer. At least you're mildly amusing when you're drunk.

Data: It might be wise to find a better way to entertain yourself besides drinking, smoking and typing at your laptop. At the rate you are deterioating your internal system, you will expire in fifty years, two months- *stops as a full can of Mug root beer clangs into his head. Blinks a couple of times* thirteen days, five hours and-

Corrine: Data! I am on the verge of burning you!

Entreri: *smugly* Not that it'll do anything. Can't really disintegrate the bastard either.

Corrine: *turns her glare on him* You only know that cause you tried...thrice times.

Entreri: *leans back in chair and smirks* I'll figure out how to kill him sooner or later.

Drizzt: Like how you figured out how to kill me?

Entreri: *tries to melt him with his stare*

Drizzt: Cause we all know how well that went. *oblivious to the fact that he is moments away from death*

Entreri: *quietly grabs dagger from belt as the elf rambled on like a drunken yodeler*

Drizzt: Not that anyone can say you didn't try. I mean, *gets all dramatic* thousands of orcs, legions of the undead and wizards of renown could not dispose of me. There is no shame in defeat, Arty.

Corrine: *rolls eyes and takes a drag on cigarette*

Entreri: *leaps at Drizzt, sitting on the couch, knocking both the drow and the seat over* DIE, YOU DAMN SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Drizzt: *recovers enough to bite Entreri on the neck* EEEEEEE!!!

Entreri: OW! YOU HOMOSEXUAL FAERIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *punches in stomach*

Corrine: *pulls up legs as they roll by, biting, kicking and ending up in questionable positions* Ooh, kinky!

Data: *circles curiously to sit on the arm of Corrine's big squishy chair* Is this really necessary to resolve a conflict?

Corrine: No. *shoves computer out of her lap and snags the android about the waist* But its hot and entertaining. *looks him up and down* Speaking of hot. *yanks him down into her lap* You have a really soft ass for a machine.

Data: *considers info and cocks head to the side. Suddenly yelps and tries desperately to escape* Rape! Rape! I need an adult! *blows whistle loudly for help*

Corrine: *shoves him off her lap to the floor, causing him to swallow whistle* Ah, shut up. You're no fun. Entreri didn't complain when I-

Entreri: *staggers away from a now unconscious Drizzt* Hey! Silence, woman!

Corrine: Never, male! You enjoyed it!

Entreri: *horrified look*

Corrine: *gets mad* Don't make me get Jaraxle!

Data: *unnoticed by everyone as he attempts to gag up whistle, making only a squeak instead*

Entreri: You hate him as much as I do though.

Corrine: *grins evilly* Yeah, but it's not a whole love-hate kind of thing as it is with you. Deny it, I dare you! DENY IT!

*silence*

Corrine: Good. Now be a nice bitch and get my lighter.

Entreri: *sulks off to find it*

Data: *finally coughs up the whistle* I sense that I have been forgotten.

Corrine: Aw, never, sweetie. You want me to give you my full attention, Data?

Data: No! No, no, no, no, that's quite alright. I feel the love now. *really friggin scared*

Corrine: You sure you're emotion chip is functioning fully? *gets up to lean over Data* Let me check it.

Data: Nuuuuu! *scrambles to get away. Finally manages to get up only to trip on the semi-conscious Drizzt* Damn.

Drizzt: Mmph. I wanna ride the pony! *passes out again*

Corrine: He sooo has brain damage.

Entreri: *enters in time to hear him* Heh, knew he was a fag.

Corrine: *gasp* Arty! Don't use that word! He is not a single cigarette. He's not even the right color for one.

Entreri: Data is.

Corrine: Data isn't even human.

Data: *gets up and brushes self off* I am working on that dilemma.

Corrine: *waves hand at them in disregard* Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be quiet now. I need to get back to work. *goes back to chair and plops down. Picks up laptop before promptly chucking it* VITH!

Entreri: I don't think that constitutes as working.

Corrine: *grumbles under her breath as she folds arms*

Data: What?

Corrine: *casts vile looks at them* I said I don't wanna balance the bills.

Entreri: So don't.

Corrine: You know what happens if I don't? All of you, you useless male slaves, end up without a place to live. You want to be vagabonds again? Huh? Huh? HUH?! No? Then shut up or get a job.

Entreri: Geez, who shit on your parade?

*doorbell rings, saving Entreri from castration. Gleefully, Corrine dances to the door*

Corrine: V! *squeals and leaps into the terrorists grasp* Oh....and Jaraxle.

Jaraxle: *bows with a big sweep of the hat* Don't sound so excited, my dear. I don't think my little black heart could handle it.

Corrine: Really? *begins plotting while playing with V's wig* Hmmm, well in any case, how is life, my vindictive villain?

V: *used to this scenario to the point its sad and ridiculous* Pleasant, my vivacious vixen.

Corrine: *squeals in happiness again* I love when you talk like that.

Entreri: *clears throat* Should we leave you two alone for a moment?

Corrine: No, you can stay. It'll cost you about a grand each but I don't mind.

V: *blushes madly behind mask*

Corrine: *twiddles fingers in his wig thoughtfully* Might take longer than a moment though.

Data: May we change the subject? This is highly uncomfortable.

Drizzt: *randomly kicks in his sleep and moans* Must...find....batteries!

Corrine: Dreaming of vibrators again. Sad, really. *shakes head* You feel any more comfortable now, Data?

Data: *considers* No, not really.

Corrine: Fine. *gets off V* Hmmm....mangoes.

Entreri: Mangoes?

Corrine: Mangoes...

V: Mangoes?

Corrine: Yes, mangoes. *getting agitated*

Data: Man-

Corrine: Yes, Data, MANGOES!!! *hyperventilates* Theyregoodandyummywithsweeteatablenessandwheee.... *stares wide eyed at the mass of males*

Entreri: Okay...

Data: I believe we have mulfunctioned her circuitry.

Corrine: *drools*

Entreri: *claps hands eagerly* Well, now that she is out of commission, lets watch some porn.

Corrine: *snaps out of mango-induced daze* Porn? I wanna watch porn!!

V: Is sex really all that's on your mind?

Corrine: *insulted* No. There's more than that.

Data: Such as?

Entreri: Sex, sex, mangoes, sex, sex, Lovecraft...it goes on.

Corrine: *gravely* I would totally do H.P. Lovecraft in a heart beat. He's beautifully morbid.

Data: *confused* 'Do'?

V: Never mind that, Data. But really, what about art? Music? Poetry?

Corrine: *devilish grin* I've discovered that all those can be accomplished while having sex.

Entreri: *curious* How?

Corrine: *grins maniacally*

Data: You might want to change the subject or else your readers will get bored and stop reading.

Corrine: Tis true. What happened to Jaraxle?

Entreri: Probably molesting Drizzt.

V: What makes you come to that verdict?

Entreri: He had a thing for his dad.

Corrine: *snidely* Like you have a thing for him?

Entreri: *eye twitch*

*scream echoes from the other side of the couch. Half naked Drizzt flies down the hall*

Drizzt: Gods help my innocence!!

*Jaraxle emerges, rubbing his bald head in confusion*

Jaraxle: *musingly* I was not aware that he was a virgin.

Corrine: *snickers* I was.

Entreri: *glowers in barely contained jealousy* Feel better, Jaraxle?

Jaraxle: *considers and shrugs* Little blue-balled.

V: I heard Arty is great at fixing that.

Entreri: *growls* Don't call me that.

Corrine: *tauntingly* Aaaaaaarrrrrttttyyyy....

Entreri: *eye twitches again. Slaps at it* I'm going to go psycho again if you don't quit it.

V: More so than you already are?

Entreri: *bristling* At least I'm not blowing up shit and killing with no reserve.

Corrine: Oh, I'm sure if you knew how, you'd blow up things too. And killing without reserve. Psh, you kill for money. It's no better.

Jaraxle: *consolingly* Friends, lets not bicker. Surely there are better things in life than fighting among our peers.

*silence*

Corrine: I could so kill you right now.

V: Dito.

Entreri: Bring it on, Fawksey! *puts up fists*

Data: *suddenly* Lets find Drizzt.

*all stare*

Data: What?

Corrine: We should go see what happened to the pansy. I don't want him finding my pornos. They'll burn the pretty purple eyeses out of his pretty innocent little head.

V: Again with the porn. *sighs in exasperation*

Corrine: *slight glare* If you weren't so sexy, I'd kick you.

*all progress down the hall, the males keeping Corrine ahead for their own safety*

Corrine: *evilly* Driiiiiiizzzztttt! Where are yoooou?

V: Now he'll never come out.

Entreri: We should gag her.

Data: She might enjoy it.

Corrine: *grumpily* Snide bastards.

*a small yelp and a loud bone-crunching, spleen-splitting wet thud echoes from Corrine's bedroom*

V: Well, this is no bueno. *peers out bedroom window at the ground where several thongs were knotted together into a rope*

Corrine: He esc-ap-ed! On my underwear, no less.

Entreri: *amused smirk* Wonder what possessed him to use thongs instead of sheets.

Data: *not trying to be dramatic but is so anyway* That is a mystery we shall never know.

Corrine: Despite your innocent sexiness, you are terribly melodramatic. Now I know why the Borg Queen raped and tried to corrupt you. *gets naughty ideas*

Data: *covers privates and shifts out of her range*

V: Ahem, not that you have succeeded in scarring Data for life...again, should we find Drizzt?

Corrine: Whaaaaa....? *still lost in rape dreams*

Jaraxle: *snaps fingers in front of her face* Wakey, WAKEY!!

Corrine: *yelps and smacks him cross the head* Touch-me-not-you-freak!!

Entreri: *snickers*

Jaraxle: *looks wounded*

Corrine: Hehe...ha.

V: Drizzt?

Data: Yes, Drizzt?

Corrine: Fine. Data, lean out the window and see if you can find tracks.

*others eye her warily as he does so. Corrine dashes up and shoves him out of the two story building*

Corrine: *maniacally* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

V: What on earth did you do that for? *looks down out window at Data who stared up from where he landed on his back*

Corrine: *rolls eyes* Pshaw, like the fall could kill him, let alone hurt him.

Data: *calls from the floor* Corrine, I have detected heat traces indicating his direction.

Corrine: *leans out window* Good boy. Now I know why I made you one of my bitches. *turns to others* See? He isn't mad.

Entreri: *snorts* He doesn't have the ability to get mad.

Jaraxle: Hush, hush, babe. No need to be technical. *starts going back to front room*

Entreri: *fuming silently*

Corrine: I would mock you about the whole 'babe' comment but you look murderous.

Entreri: *glares murderously*

V: Ahem...onward then to find our slightly homosexual friend so he can be among his light-loafer kind. *bolts from the room, barely avoiding a dagger in the head*

*****INTERMISSION*****


	2. Chapter 2

Data: *scanning the ground with that damn blinking gadget-thing which had temporarily mesmerized the only female member of the group* The signal leads in that catty, whore house looking building. *points*

Jaraxle: *reads sign, puzzled* Suzies?

Corrine: *drools* Suuuuuzzzzziiiieeeess……gaaaaahh….

Entreri: *been here before* It's an adult store. Given the idiot's chastity issue, this might be a problem.

V: Why would he go in there?

Corrine: *matter-of-factly* Well, there's a large variety of toys in many shapes, sizes, colors, and…*stops when she sees their freaked out looks*…and all the pretty lights for Christmas is up.

Jaraxle: *carefully* I am almost sure that is why he is in there, Corrine.

Corrine: Well, considering the ratio of single, hideous people in this hell-hole, pretty boy's doomed. Let's go home and cover a room in fly paper for when he gets back. *turns to leave*

V: What? Aren't you going to go rescue him?

Corrine: *stubbornly* No. *stamps her foot*

Entreri: *getting pissed off for being dragged all the way out there for nothing* Why the hell not?

Jaraxle: *amazed* Wow, Arty is actually voting to save Drizzt. I think hell froze over and financed a ski lodge.

Entreri: *glares* So why again are we not going in there?

Corrine: *folds arms and pouts* He won't sleep with me.

Jaraxle: So…you're condemning him to death by multi-colored dildos?

Corrine: *smiles evilly* When you put it that way…

V: How would you feel if you were sentenced to agonized, slow death by hardened plastic?

Corrine: *grins maniacally*

Entreri: *snorts* Never mind we asked.

V: We shall?

Jaraxle: *trying to be clever* Saving Drizzt might blind him with gratitude enough to do the ugly at least once.

Corrine: 'Tis true. He does fall for that moralistic shit.

Jaraxle: *puppy eyed* Share though, please.

Corrine: *thinks for a split second* Alright then but if it doesn't work, your ass is mine to abuse, Arty.

Entreri: *panicky* What?! Why am I being punished?

Corrine: *trying to sound logical* Cause I've had V, Jaraxle and you already but you, my talented assassin, you're rough and I like it.

Entreri: *desperately trying to find a way out* Turn your eyes on Data then. He's fully functional.

Data: *perturbed* I feel I must interrupt this. I-

Corrine: Shut up, Data. *gets all lovey-eyed* But he's so innocent and its cute. 'Sides, I'm bidding my time on corrupting him.

Data: Can I-

Entreri: No. Fine then. Let's save the ranger's dumb ass and slip him a Viagra. *grumpily stalks off towards the sex store*

Jaraxle: *enters and squeals in happiness* Dear Gods! Pornos with pregos! *runs off cackling*

V: *disturbed* No comment.

Entreri: *sulks*

Data: *examines a wide based cone for…ahem…well, guess* Most of these look painful.

Corrine: Most are.

Entreri: *snippily* Speaking from experience?

Corrine: *chucks a random chocolate ass-shaped candy at his head, nailing him in the nose* All right, slaves. Spread out.

*all wander off, trying hard not to touch or be touched by anyone or anything. Entreri tries dislodging candy currently stuck up his nose*

***five minutes later***

Entreri: *finally free of ass-candy* Found him.

V: *examines model mold for men's privates* I wonder how painful it would be to pour hot plastic onto a hard-

Entreri: *grossed out* I said I found him!

V: *coolly* Right.

Data: *wanders over, holding a butterfly shaped vibrator* So did I. It was not difficult.

Entreri: Why are you holding that?

Data: *innocently* It hums.

V: Right-eo then. So…Drizzt?

Entreri: Oh, he's screaming like a little girl in the Arcade.

*high pitched wailing like a cat in an oven screeches from a long hallway lined with cubicles*

Data: What is the purpose of the Arcade? *jumps out of skin when Corrine appears out of nowhere with big Gollum eyes*

Corrine: To test the product. *demented grin*

Jaraxle: *marches by with a stack of DVDs* And some products they are! *cackles and disappears into nearest cubicle*

V: *vaguely frightened* Well…that's just ducky.

Corrine: *recites for no reason* I once had a cute rubby ducky. He made me feel so special and lucky. He caused me much pain when he went down the drain. Now he's all torn up and yucky.

Entreri: Whatever.

Corrine: You're a terrible kill-joy, you know that?

Entreri: *grins* Myep.

*silence*

Corrine: Yeeeaaahhh….go to hell. *walks off down the Arcade to find Drizzt whom was whimpering pathetically near the end*

*all start poking heads over and under cubicles, startling occupants*

Corrine: Ugly. *pokes head over another* Ugly. *over another* Ooh, hey, there's a cute one.

Entreri: *does the same* Lose weight, fat ass!

Fat man: Go to hell, pervert!

Entreri: *nastily* Only if you invest in lipo, butterball.

V: *obviously disappointed and disgusted* You feel better now that you've harassed a harmless, sexually frustrated person?

Entreri: *self-satisfied* Immensely. So much so in fact, I think I'll do it again. *looks over a door* Hey!

Random person: *startled and violated* What?!

Entreri: What's the point in watching that if you can't even find your little friend under all that flub?

Random person: *pissed off* I have a thyroid problem!

Entreri: Yeah, yeah, Rosi O'Donnell. Lose some jellyrolls. *walks off after Corrine who managed to locate Drizzt*

Data: *is holding vibrator to neck on high, making his voice all warbly* That was inappropriate and demeaning.

V: Yes, why do you feel such satisfaction in doing that? Have you no life?

Entreri: *idly takes out dagger and stabs doors as he passes, scaring the bejesus out of people* Cause I'd never sink to such a state. I hate fat people.

Corrine: *annoyed by him and Drizzt* Shut up, 'babe', before I pour mayonnaise down your throat and make you fat. *is kneeling in front of Drizzt's hiding spot* Come here, Drizzt, come here! *pats lap*

Data: I am sorry to inform you, Corrine, but he is not a feline. It won't work. *still has vibrator against neck*

V: Data. *pulls the vibrator, which is running out of batteries, away from him* You just need to stop that.

Data: *confused* Why?

Corrine: *still peering at Drizzt who is shaking in trauma* Cause if Entreri doesn't dismember you, I will. Come here, Drizzy-Drizzy! Come on!

Drizzt: *hisses* Neeeeeevvvvveeeerrr!!! *shivers*

Corrine: *pouts* But Drizzy…I lurve you!

Drizzt: *hisses in fright* Get awaaaay!!

Corrine: *getting mad* What is your malfunction?! I walked my happy ass all the way here for you and then you act like a dog with a firecracker up its ass?!?

Entreri: *upset about the 'mayonnaise' and 'babe' comments* I would be much more difficult. I'd kick you in the ass up to the shin.

Corrine: Yeah? And no one cares.

Data: I care.

Entreri: *ignores him and gets combative* Shut up, Corrine. No one cares about you and your problems.

Data: *insistently* I care.

V: *leans back on a cubicle door and joins in, laughing at Entreri* I wouldn't care if you were run over by a drunken elephant with genital herpes.

Corrine: Waaaaah?

Data: ?? I care??

Entreri: *fuming* I wouldn't care if you managed to get impaled on a spork covered in gravy, giving you a liver infection and causing 26 surgeries.

Corrine: Ooh, sick burn. Sick burn. *pulls out a cigarette and lights it*

Data: Umm…I care.

V: *still laughing just to irk Entreri* I wouldn't care if you fell down a hill and landed balls first on a cactus and got tetanus, gangrene and unexpected pregnancy.

Corrine: Pregnancy?

V: *nastily* Yes, pregnancy. For our dear Arty is a lady, a precious, pretty lady…and nooooo oooone cares.

Data: *eagerly* I care!

All: SHUT UP, DATA!

*silence*

Drizzt: *hisses* Eeeeeeviiiiillll!!!! *shivers*


	3. Chapter 3

*after returning a severely traumatized Drizzt to the house, Corrine left to work, leaving Jaraxle, Entreri, V, Data and Drizzt alone for more than 7 hours.*

Corrine: *enters house and promptly falls on face to the floor* Uuuuugh…

V: *stops typing on her jacked laptop* Looks like someone had a bad day.

Entreri: *doesn't look away from clicking through the channels* Really raped you today, huh?

Corrine: *gives him the finger without getting off the floor* I hope someone pees in your oatmeal, jackass.

Entreri: *snorts* That person would lose a very important piece of their anatomy and earn the Indian name Man-Turned-Whore. *gives V a very pointed look*

V: *mildly* Why, Arty, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you'd like to get a hold of my mini-me. I'm flattered and disturbed.

Entreri: *growls and chucks remote at V, nailing him in the masks forehead* Cheeky bitch!

V: *vacantly rubs mask for dents* Pervert.

Entreri: *throws a couch pillow* Slut!

Corrine: *suddenly leaps to her feet* Hey! Stop fighting!

Entreri: *throws plastic bowl of chips at her* Never, wench!

Corrine: *stops bowl in midair with her awesome author powers (used mostly against stoplights) and makes it fall* Quit it, you ugly pineapple.

V: Yeah, knock it off and leave the mistress alone.

Entreri: *grumbles* Kiss ass. She's hardly a lady, let alone a mistress.

Corrine: *plops on floor and starts wailing pathetically* I JUST GOT OFF WORK AND I'M TIRED! I SLAVE ALL DAY FOR YOU SO YOU CAN EAT AND HAVE A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD AND YOU-YOU-YOU ASSHOLE!! *tries to breathe in hitching gasps, all teary*

*silence*

Entreri: Are you on the rag?

Corrine: *glares murderously* Not that it is relevant but yes. Now you better find me some god damn cigarettes before I rip out your spinal cord and use it as a musical… INTRUMENT!!!

V: *snickers*

Entreri: *slightly pale but still trying to be all macho* Fine, I'll find them just to stop your bitching. *gets up to sulk to her bedroom*

Jaraxle: *wanders in from the kitchen, an apron about his waist, all pink and flowery. A bunch of flour coated his skin* What's all the commotion?

Drizzt: *was hiding in hall closet the entire time* Run, Jaraxle, run! She's lashing out due to hormones!!

Jaraxle: Really? *eyes Corrine in amusement*

Corrine: *growls* Raar.

V: Hmm.

Jaraxle: You know how to fix that right?

Corrine: *sniffles* No.

Jaraxle: *simply* Stop bleeding.

*stunned silence*

V: *slowly so he understands* Jar, did you ever take basic human anatomy?

Jaraxle: Yes, but it was all a hands-on sort of learning, if you get my meaning. Why?

Corrine: I can't just stop or put a big cork in it. Its like…its…

Drizzt: *yells helpfully from the closet* Natural to female physiology?

Corrine: Yes, yes that's it.

Entreri: *severely grumpy as he stalks back in with Data and throws a pack of cigarettes at Corrine's head as she continues to sit on floor* Here, whiner.

Data: *regards everyone before spotting Jaraxle* Friend, why are you covered in flour?

V: *teasingly* Wow, I did not even notice that at all.

Corrine: Yeah. *lights cigarette* Seemed kind of natural to me.

Entreri: *attempts frying her brain with his eyes*

Corrine: *grins* Being covered like that.

Entreri: *eye twitch*

Corrine: *even bigger grin* Covered in white stuff.

Jar/Data: *obviously just aren't getting it*

V: *chuckles darkly* Look at him…twitching.

Entreri: *twitch twitch*

Corrine: *in a mocking, pity voice* Yeah, you're just a walking bomb, aren't you, Arty? Just ticking away…yeah…sad…waiting to blow…all that pent up anger…so sad…*grins evilly*

Entreri: *gives best death glare to curdle milk*

Drizzt: *peeks head out of closet* Wow, this is tense.

Corrine: *sweet baby voice* And then one day-

V: *super loudly and clapping his hands* BOOOM!

Drizzt: *squeals like a stuck pig and tries to close door, realizing too late that his head is in the way* Ouchie!

Entreri: *really does snap (yet again) and tackles V* DIIIEEEE!!!

Jar/Corrine: *gleefully* Bitch fight!

Data: *confused* But they are both male.

*Entreri and V attempt strangling each other while rolling around on the carpet*

Corrine: Ooh, I think Arty's bleeding already.

V: *manages to get a dirty sock from under the dark underside of the couch. Strangles Entreri while sitting on his back* Die, you violating villain!

Data: *matter-of-factly* From mere observation, it would appear that he is the one violating.

Jaraxle: *mildly demented grin* Yes, so it would seem.

Entreri: *starts trying to buck V off his back, only managing to make it worse*

Corrine: *maniacal grin* Yes, it seems to be quite violating. *takes a heavy drag of cigarette* Like Brokeback Mountain violation.

Jaraxle: *appalled* Oooh, no, Corrine.

Corrine: Oops. Too soon for that joke? Well it is sort of hot anyway.

Drizzt: *yells from closet* You are all sick, unclean heathens!

Corrine: Yes! Yes, we are! Come join us in our icky sickness, goodly ranger!! Leap into the fray!

Drizzt: *quite frightened again* Nuuuuu! *locks door and begins praying*

Entreri: *manages to reach belt and grabs dagger* Ah-hah! *stabs V in the thigh from the side*

V: *howls* OW! OW! THAT WAS SO UNNECESSARY! *gets off Entreri to stagger to couch*

Corrine: Entreri! *finally gets up to kick him in the ass hard* WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND STARTING FIGHTS?!? IS LIFE REALLY SO UNFAIR?!?

Entreri: *glares and rubs ass* Calm down and have a Midol. I just stabbed him in the leg. Really, I was aiming between but in the side is just as good. No need to have an aneurism.

Data: *confused and intrigued* What does-

Corrine/Entreri: SHUT UP, DATA!

Jaraxle: *trying to be nice to the lost, abused android* Why don't you go hide in the closet with Drizzt, hmm?

Data: *still looks perplexed but goes to closet and tries to open it* It's locked.

Corrine: *pissed off* DRIZZT, OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!

Drizzt: Nuuuu! *tries to hold door shut*

V: *in pain cause he's got a dagger in his leg* Data, pull off the door.

Data: *severely befuddled but rips it off anyway*

Drizzt: *hisses* Heathens! *clings to doorknob, dangling in the air*

Data: *shrugs and goes into closet with Drizzt* Greetings, Drizzt.

Drizzt: *hiss* Worshipper of the sick, icky vibrators and porn! *hiss*

Entreri: *impressed* Wow, you really damaged that one.

Corrine: *proudly* I know.

Entreri: Weren't we fighting?

Corrine: *confused* What? About what?

All: *stare*

Corrine: No, really. I don't remember. *seems mildly depressed about it. Brightens up* I just realized something.

Entreri: *sarcastically* That you have the attention span of a mouse?

Corrine: *glares* At least I don't have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. And no, that is not what I realized.

Jaraxle: And that would be?

Corrine: That you are annoying and pointless in this story, Jaraxle.

Jaraxle: *pouting and crosses arms over chest* But...but...I just baked you a cake.

Corrine: *upset with herself* Aww...what kind of cake?

Jaraxle: *proudly* White with lemon frosting.

Corrine: *grins turn to glare* Not chocolate?

Jaraxle: *winces* No.

Corrine: *pulls out remote with a big red button labeled 'reject'* I don't like lemon frosting. *pushes button*

Jaraxle: Shit. *big open space yawns under him* Over cake? Really? *falls into oblivion and hole closes*

*all remaining males eye Corrine in paranoia*

Corrine: *sighs in satisfaction and claps hand together* Alright, I think we need some new people in here.

V: *holding leg in pain* Why? Are we that unamusing to you?

Entreri: *little hurt* Yeah, don't you love us anymore?

Corrine: Of course I do. You are close to getting the reject button, though, Arty.

Entreri: *quietly* Oh. *kicks at carpet dejectedly*

V: So what is the reasoning?

Corrine: Well, we have people from Star Trek, Forgotten Realms and V who's the main character in his...

V: *smugly* Who's the rock star now?

Entreri: Not you.

V: *didn't quite catch that* Damn straight! *pause* Wait....

Corrine: Ahem, any-who-and-a-half. I think I should pull in some new boys.

Data: *calls from closet* Why boys?

Corrine: Cause I'm a jealous wench and I can't share.

V: Ah. Crap-tastic. *tries to get up* By the way, Corrine, I am still bleeding.

Entreri: Psh.

Corrine: *offhandedly snaps fingers and wound heals* Better?

V: Myep.

Corrine: So...*again on track* I have decided to write in-

*loud bang and front door swings open. Eerie wind blows as Drizzt hisses 'heathen' at the sound*

V: Umm...no one's there.

Voice from behind V: *pleasant* Yes, there is.

V: *yelps and scrambles to hide behind Corrine* Mistress!

Corrine: *happy* There you are, Lestat. *looks down* Oh...and Louis.

Louis: *clings to her waist desperately and gives her a pathetic look* Why?! Why did you leave me with him *points at Lestat* for so looooong?!

Corrine: *pats head gently* Awww. I only do it so you'll come back to me even more clingy and desperate.

Entreri: *eyes Lestat skin curiously* Dude, what are you made of?

Lestat: Dead flesh tissue.

Entreri: Ri-ii-ight.

Drizzt: *randomly emerges from closet, whistling* Heeeelllo, peoples!

*all except the newbies eye him curiously*

Corrine: *concerned* You okay?

Drizzt: Perfectly! *grins*

Data: *also comes out of closet, perplexed* He grew silent then became....cheerful.

Lestat: Ewww...

Entreri: *still eyeing Lestat's skin, pondering how to get such skin* Totally....

Corrine: Hmmm....*tries to get closer to Drizzt but can't due to the mopey vampire hugging her waist* Louis, dearest, I need my legs back. Please, let go.

Louis: *sighs sadly* If I must. *lets go*

Corrine: Thank you. *walks right up to Drizzt and smacks him across the face*

All: *gasp*

Drizzt: *grins*

Corrine: Hmmm.....*tweaks nose hard*

Drizzt: Hi, Corrine! *waves hand in her face*

Corrine: *closes one eye, thinking* Porn.

Lestat: *looks at V who shrugs*

Corrine: Dildo.

Drizzt: *stops smiling and twitches*

Corrine: *rubs chin thoughtfully with finger* Lubricant.

Drizzt: *twitches harder* Stop it.

Corrine: *grins in triumph* Masturbate.

Drizzt: *covers ears* Nope, can't hear you.

Corrine: *leans in and smiles evilly* Heeeeeeeeaaaaaaaatttttthhhhhheeeeeeeeeennnnnssssssss!!!

Drizzt: *screams hysterically and tries to run away. Hits Lestat and eats dirt* Aaaaugh!

Lestat: *stares down at the twitching prone drow and smirks* Well, that was fun.

Corrine: Incredibly so.

Entreri: *malicious grin and pokes Drizzt with toe* I love when we abuse him.

Louis: *sigh* That's sad and self-depreciating.

Entreri: *scowl* Don't make me stab you.

Corrine: *snorts* I'd like to see you try.

Louis: I wouldn't. I'd have to hurt you. *shies away from him and his sharp objects* I hate hurting people.

Lestat: *picks at already flawless fingernails* Ah, but burning buildings and people is a totally different matter.

V: *snickers* Pyro...

Louis: *puppy-eyed glare* You made me do it.

Lestat: *insulted* Did not! I didn't make you burn down the plantation or the townhouse or the theatre or-

Louis: *severely depressed* Alright fine. *goes over to a wall and thuds forehead on it hard* Ow...

Entreri: *fascinated* Can he feel that if his flesh is essentially dead?

Lestat: No, but he likes to pretend he's in pain.

V: *suddenly* Where's Data?

*all look about for the android*

Corrine: *hurriedly puts the Reject button away* Ahem, what?

Drizzt: *hisses* Satan! She speaks!

Entreri: *sort of horrified* Did you kill Data?

Corrine: Well, not essentially.

V: What on earth did he do to get the button?

Corrine: *suddenly feeling cornered and pissed off about it* A: He got boring. B: He asked too many goddamn questions. FYI take the hint. And C: I'm the AUTHOR!!!

*silence*

V: Ah...

Louis: *sniffles* Waaa...

Entreri: *flatly* You need to get that tampon outta your ass soon, lady.

Corrine: *furious glare* I am frying your brain with my eyes, Arty. It's only a matter of time now.

Lestat: *helpfully* I could always set him on fire.

Entreri: *slightly terrified* What I do to you?

Lestat: *flippantly* Oh, nothing really. But Corrine amuses me and I know it'll make her happy.

Corrine: Booyah!

Entreri: *growl*

Corrine: *shit eaten grin* Booo-yah! *lights cigarette, yet again* How'd ya like them apples?

Entreri: I don't.

V: Hah...

Lestat: *randomly* You know what's funny?

Louis: *warily* What? *thud*

Corrine: You really should stop doing that.

Louis: Why? *thud* I can't hurt myself...unfortunately.

Corrine: Yeah, I know, but my neighbors are going to think I'm doing something bad.

Entreri: *smugly* And they'd be right, wouldn't they?

Corrine: *seethes* Shut up, you annoyingly sexy bastard. *chucks random ass-candy from Suzies at him*

V: *gets nailed in chest due to horrid aim* Ow...

Lestat: *clears throat in annoyance*

Corrine: *realizes they interrupted his funniness* Oops, did we ruin your moment?

Lestat: *smiles sweetly* Not yet.

Entreri: Nyaa....

Lestat: So...funny.....yes...I saw a gang of bikers get chased by a rabid black man with rabies.

All: *silence* ?????

V: Repeat that one more time?

Lestat: *simply* I...saw...a...gang...of....bikers...get...chased...by...a...rabid...black...man...with...rabies.

V: *sadly* Why a black man, Lestat? Are you so far sunken in you depravity to make it a black man?

Lestat: *again insulted* I am not depraved. And it was a black man! Would you feel any better if it was an Eskimo?

Corrine: What've you got against Eskimos?

Lestat: *severely flustered* I've got nothing against anyone. I'm just telling a story. A bunch of big, tough bikers were screaming like little girls and running around away from a hobo who was foaming at the mouth and screaming, 'Aaaaahgggrrrreeeaa!' *hyperventilates a little*

*silence*

Entreri: *coughs into hand* Racist.

Lestat: *holds back from setting him ablaze*

Corrine: *starts laughing* Actually that would be pretty damn hilarious. Eee! *squeals and pretends to run from a flailing rabid man* Don't touch my pretty pink Harley! Eeee!

V: What happened to the hobo?

Louis: *still mopey with forehead on wall* I ate him.

Entreri: *disgusted* Dude, that's gross.

Lestat: Oh, that's not the worst of it. He's got a strange diet: chickens, rats, poodles, spintzers, children. Shit you couldn't get him to drain a prostitute if you held him at stake-point.

Louis: *sighs* Tis true.

V: I thinky that your morals are on the wrong end of the spectrum.

Corrine: Yeah, hookers should be at the top of the 'Must Kill' list.

Entreri: *mockingly horrified* But...but...Corrine, that would mean he'd have to kill you. We can't have that.

All except Corrine: Ooooohh...

V: Sick burn.

Corrine: *glares murderously* Lestat?

Lestat: *mildly worried* Yeah?

Corrine: ...*evil smile* Kill him.

Entreri: *suddenly terrified* WHAT?!?!

V: Ooh, man, you messed up. You're not even getting the button.

Entreri: *not listening, is too busy scrambling away* NUUUU! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!

Lestat: *looks to Corrine for the ok*

Corrine: *winks and nods* Sic him.

V: Yay!

*Lestat easily tackles Entreri as he attempts to escape out the window*

Entreri: *terrified and panicking* Nuuu! Please, God, no!

Lestat: *bares fangs* Now, you going to be an asshole anymore?

Entreri: *in shock* Uuuuh...

Lestat: *gets closer with his pretty sharp teeth* Well, who's gonna be a good bitch?

Entreri: *swallows* I am.

Corrine: *leans down to his face with a smirk* Who's a good bitch?

Entreri: *too scared to be upset* I am.

V: Who's a good bitch?

Entreri: I AM!!

Drizzt: *recovering from his previous assault and faint* Say it again, heathen!

Entreri: *near tears* I'M A GOOD BITCH!!!

Corrine: *smiles nicely* Damn straight. You can let my bitch up, Lestat.

Lestat: *gets up and brushed self off* Well, that was fun.

V: *barely holding back giggles* Extremely.

Louis: *disgusted and disturbed* You are all sick and demented sadists. *thud*

Drizzt: *nods sagely as he sits up* Yes, yes they are.

Corrine: *randomly* I think I want to end this chapter now.

Lestat: What on earth for? I just-

Louis: Ahem....*thud*

Lestat: Oh, yes, 'we' just got here.

Corrine: Yeah but I'm bored of tormenting Arty and pretending to mildly funny.

Entreri: *opens mouth to say something fairly nice*

Corrine: Shuttup, Arty, or you're going to get raped.

*silence*

Corrine: *happy* Yeeeeeaaahhhh....


	4. Chapter 4

*Corrine and Abe Sapien sit at a table playing chess with Drizzt, Entreri, Lestat, Louis and Hellboy standing and/or sitting about, watching and making bets. V disappeared on an errand sometime before*

Abe: *moves bishop onto square* Checkmate.

Corrine: *eyes board in depression* Waaaa....

Entreri: Damn, that's like...the fourth time now? *suddenly annoyed* You know how much money I'm loosing in bets on you?!

Drizzt: Just stop betting.

Hellboy: *snorts* Just stop betting on Corrine.

Lestat: *annoyingly cheerful* No, no don't do that. Ante up, assassin.

Entreri: *grumbles and hands over a twenty* Not like you need it to live or anything.

Corrine: *suddenly* Wait! I am not yet defeated!

Abe: Umm....yes you are?

Corrine: Nein!

Louis: *sighs* Just give up already.

Drizzt: You sigh a lot. Are you depressed?

Lestat: *rolls eyes* Nah, he's happier than a fat kid with cake.

Louis: *runs to nearest wall and....thud*

*silence as Corrine glares at chess board and her sad five pieces*

Corrine: *wide eyed and pointing into living room* MASTURBATING ALIEN!

Abe: *whirls around* What? Where?

Corrine: *quickly explodes the bishop and changes both knights into pawns* Pardon?

Abe: *turns around* There was no masturbating alien!

Hellboy: *looks at him funny* Why would you want to see that anyway?

Abe: *realizes something happened to board* Hey! *pouts* You moved the pieces!

Corrine: *offended* Did not.

Lestat: She just killed them and gave them a sex change.

Entreri: *slowly* And that's....legal?

Hellboy: Apparently. *curious* Why did you yell masturbating alien?

Corrine: Why not?

Louis: Where on earth did you come up with that?

Corrine: My friend had it on her phone. Its a video of a dark desert with a glow in the dark penis getting played with. When he gets off a jet of green light comes out and shots into the sky. Its friggin great. Nasty but great.

Drizzt: *grossed out* Ewww...

Lestat: But funny.

Entreri: Terribly. *realizes something* Hey, gimme back my twenty. She won.

Lestat: Fine. *holds it out for him*

Entreri: *demonic grin as he reaches for it*

Lestat: *hisses and bites his hand* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Entreri: OW! YOU GLORIFIED LEACH! *attempts tackling Lestat, forgetting that the dude is made of marble like substance and breaks arm* Aiiie! That stings!

Abe: Don't you think before you attack?

Louis: Prob'ly should.

Hellboy: *ignores the howling assassin who is twitching like a ferret on fire* Yeah but it takes away that fiery, pissed off gratification you get outta just doing it.

Corrine: That and you can blame it on natural instincts. You think it through and plot then its just insanity.

Drizzt: Why is that? Natural instincts they write off as a 'Crime of Passion' but plotting is 'Murder #1'?

Abe: Is it even natural instincts or is it just the inborn human evil savagery?

Corrine: Hey! Stop calling me evil!

Hellboy: *confused* He didn't call you evil.

Lestat: No, he basically said all humans are evil and savage.

Hellboy: In general, yes, yes they are.

Louis: Corrine's the only human here, so he sort of bashed her.

Drizzt: Arty's human.

*all look down at the man who had begun sharpening the broken bone sticking out of his arm*

Entreri: *notices stares* What? It might be broken but it can still be a lethal weapon.

Drizzt: Never mind. He's not human.

Corrine: *still rather hurt* When did being human become such a horrible thing?

Louis: Since you were born.

Corrine: *glares* Don't make me send you back to therapy.

Louis: *terrified* Nuuuu!

Lestat: There's nothing wrong with being human. I find them quite yummy.

Hellboy: Wow, that was so not helpful.

Lestat: Heh, I know.

Abe: *sighs and shakes head* Vampires...

Louis: *mimics him* Fish-stick...

Abe: Leach.

Louis: *getting annoyed* Guppy.

Abe: *insulted* Parasite.

Louis: *pissed off and wanting to set him on fire* Tadpole wannabe!

*off to the side*

Corrine: *musing* You know, we have the two mild-tempered characters calling each other names and they can't even be creative. I mean, how often does Abe insult someone?

Hellboy: He calls me a big baby all the time.

Corrine: *sweetly* Aw, you're my big baby, Red.

Drizzt: *pretending to be nauseous* I'm going to be sick.

Entreri: *still sitting on the floor, poking the sharpened bone end* Why? You pregnant, gay boy?

Drizzt: *glares* No. The sight of you is making me retch. Ever consider hygiene classes?

Entreri: I shower!

Hellboy: Maybe in shit water.

Entreri: *twitches* I'm going to shank you.

Hellboy: *deliberately confused* You want to 'skank' me?

Corrine: *melodramatic* Arty, I had no idea you were jealous of Hellboy's and I's love! *clasps hands together and puts them to cheek* How pathetically cute!

Drizzt: *really sick this time* Entreri....cute...uuuggh...

Lestat: Someone get a bucket and a Pamprin.

*back to the other side*

Abe: *severely pissed off now* Blood-sucking hippy!

Louis: *bares fangs* Pond scum licking fish turd!

Corrine: I think we should-

Louis: *now directing his wrath at her* Silence, you wannabe comedian!

*hurt silence*

Corrine: *too hurt to be mad* Ouch. Louis, that was too far.

Lestat: Yeah, that was cruel.

Entreri: *amazed* I don't think I've ever called you that.

Corrine: I know and for that I do this. *snaps fingers and fixes his shoulder*

Entreri: Aww....now my arm is normal. No lethal weapon.

Louis: Freak.

Abe: Are you PMSing or something?

Louis: *grumpy* No.

Entreri: Why is it that women get to use that as an excuse for everything? *thinks about it more* Its not friggin fair!

Hellboy: Yeah, men can't say they're in a bad mood cause they're balls are cramped.

Corrine: *mildly annoyed* Hey, hey, males. You don't suffer half the shit we do besides child birth. We start with puberty then periods onwards to pregnancy, birth and menopause.

Lestat: And all of that involves blood loss. I sympathize.

V: *suddenly kicks open front door, startling the living hell out of everyone, hauling in a person bound in rope* Corrine, I finally did it! Can I now?

Corrine: *looks at him in utter confusion* Wha?

V: *trying to be patient with her spasmodic memory* You promised me if I was to bring a certain someone, I could have time off.

Corrine: *realization slowly dawning on her* You got him? How?

V: *with much bravado and annoyance* It took much time and cunning to catch this foe, to out-trick this devious villain. It took agonizing energy and rope traps with Christine's underwear in them to snare him in my noose but finally, after hours of climbing in dank tunnels-

Drizzt: *annoyed by the dialogue* Get on with it!

Entreri: Hey, prat, you do the same goddamn thing! Let him finish before I dissect your eyeballs with ice cream scoopers.

Hellboy: *only heard the word 'ice cream* I want ice cream! Gimme ice cream!

Abe: *fwaps him across back of head* There is no ice cream.

Hellboy: *throwing fit* I want ice cream! I want ice cream! I want ice-

Louis: *loudly* If you do not stop that inane prattling screaming I am going to suck you dry, demon!

Entreri: *slyly* Suck him dry of what?

Corrine: *gives him high five* Oooh, sick burn!

Louis: *depressed again* Waaah. *thud*

Man Tied Up And Lying Ignored On The Floor: *clearly pissed off but gagged* Mmph!

Corrine: *turns back to situation at hand* Oh yeah! You're free to go for a few days, V. *waves him off before approaching the bound, frightened man*

V: Praise the gods! *quickly flees before she changes her mind*

Abe: Why did he have to replace himself with someone before he left?

Corrine: I needed someone to keep me occupied while my beloved recuperated. I wear him out you know. *pulls off man's gag* Heeellllooo, Mr. Phantom of the Opera.

Erik: *as soon as free from gag* GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PSYCHOTIC WANTON WHORE!!

All: *gasp*

Corrine: *not at all perturbed* Oh, Erik, didn't you miss me?

Erik: *shrinks away* How can I have missed you?! Last time I was here you tried to rape me, you fiend!

Corrine: If I remember correctly, I didn't try; I succeeded.

All other males: *shudder*

Entreri: I feel your pain, man.

Erik: Thank you.

Corrine: *grumbles* Don't act like you all didn't enjoy it.

All: *shudder again*

Hellboy: *randomly* I want ice cream.

Drizzt: So do I. Let's leave them alone to remember fond things. *quickly bolts out door*

All (except poor Erik): *follow example if only to be away from her*

Corrine: *happily* It's just you and me now, love. *grins somewhat evilly*

Erik: *screams bloody murder like someone nailing tacks into his spleen* NOOOOOO! *promptly gets glomped and silenced*


	5. Chapter 5

*Three in the morning. Corrine's bedroom*

Corrine: *amazed* I didn't think that was possible. *takes a drag off cigarette*

Entreri: *amazed* I didn't know he even could do that.

Drizzt: Wow…just wow.

Erik: *currently hanging on to ceiling fan after rigging it to spin a hell of a lot faster* WHEEEE!

Hellboy: You really shouldn't have given him those.

Abe: What? The Viagra?

Lestat: Well, I'm sure that wasn't good either but I think he meant the energy drinks.

Erik: *abruptly lets go of fan to land in a crouch in front of them* I LIKE RED BULL! I REALLY LIKE THE RED BULL! GIMME RED BULL! I WANT THE RED BULL NOW! RED BUUUUUUULLLLLL! *Gollum like eyes*

*silence*

Louis: Bad Corrine. Giving him Red Bull.

Corrine: *shrugs* I was just trying to get him to wake up again.

Entreri: *sarcastically* Well, he's definitely awake now.

Corrine: *coolly* Shut up or your next.

Erik: *gets impatient due to caffeine and begins running in circles* RED BULL! I WANT THE RED BULL! I WAAAAAAANNNNNTTT IIIIITTTT!

Hellboy: *amused* Apparently, he like Red Bull.

Abe: *sighs and pulls out the last one he'd been hiding* Erik.

Erik: *stops, wide eyed* RED BULL?

Lestat: *mildly frightened* Don't give it to him, Abe.

Entreri: Yeah, Fish-Man, he looks a little crazed.

Abe: *holds up finger to silence them* You want the Red Bull, Erik?

Erik: *falls to his knees* I WILL LET YOU HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME AND BEAR YOUR CHILDREN FOR THE RED BULL!

Drizzt: Wow…again.

Entreri: *disturbed* That's a frightening mental image right there. Even if you were human, it's frightening.

Corrine: *matter of fact* It's not that bad really. I rather enjoyed it.

Hellboy: Eww.

Abe: *forks over the Red Bull* Here you are, you crazed sad excuse of an evolved ape.

Erik: YYYYAAAAAAYYYYY! *quickly gulps down the drink before anyone can snatch it back*

All: *watches warily for some sort of implosion*

Erik: *burps happily, grins and promptly passes out, sprawling out on can-littered floor*

Abe: *proudly* And that is why I gave him the Red Bull.

Louis: Heh, sugar overload.

Abe: No, cocaine overload and crash. Red Bull has cocaine in it.

Corrine: Clever.

Drizzt: He is so going to have headache in the morning.

Lestat: *grins maliciously and grabs Sharpie* Let's draw on him while he's out.

Louis: Why?

Lestat: *shrugs* Always wanted to do it to someone.

Corrine: So have I.

Entreri: *sourly* You've already done it. Last time I got drunk you drew a penis on my cheek. It was stuck for two weeks!

Corrine: *grins evilly* I know!

Lestat: *creeps over to the drooling Erik and snatches of his mask so he can draw. Immediately freaks out and jumps away* HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK? FUCK! FUCK! EWW! FUCK! HOW THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU-OH FUCK!

Drizzt: That's a lot of swear words. *covers virgin ears*

Hellboy: Yeah that was…*counts off on fingers*…eight 'fuck's in one sentence.

Lestat: *finally stops squirming like he's covered in spiders* What the hell is that?

Louis: *also mildly depressed…yet again* It's his face, Lestat. Can you not see the poor soul is deformed? Must you mock him?

Entreri: *solemnly* Yes, yes we do.

Drizzt: You are just mean.

Corrine: *matter-of-factually* Did you know that bestiality has been legal in Sweden since 1941?

*awkward silence*

Lestat: *puzzled* Um…what?

Corrine: *shrugs* Just for future reference, you know, especially if you're um moving out of the states. And I'm talking to you, Abe.

Hellboy: *disturbed* Knew it.

Abe: *severely flustered and embarrassed* I do not practice bestiality!

Entreri: Sure you would. I mean, you are half animal, Fish-man.

Abe: *too upset to argue with the crowd* Pfft.

Corrine: *holds up a finger like a teacher* Another fun fact: turtles can breath out their butts.

Hellboy: *disturbed* Wow, ew. I don't think I needed to know that. You mentally raped me again.

Lestat: *silently annoyed that the attention had gravitated from him* So why is his face that messed up?

Corrine: *calm and composed despite the way he picked on her slave* Hey, Lestat?

Lestat: *looks at her warily* Yeah?

Corrine: *simply* Edward Cullen.

Lestat: *shrieks like a PMSing banshee and leaps to cling to the ceiling* HISS! GET THAT BLOOD SUCKING FAIRY AWAY FROM ME!

Louis: *less perturbed by the name cause he's emo too* He really hates the newbie.

Abe: I have to agree with him though. That character is out of whack with the whole genre.

Entreri: Not only that; he's a disgrace to all vampire kind.

Corrine: *curiously* How many vampires have you known?Entreri: *remembers and shivers* Let's not discuss that.

Drizzt: *leans over and whispers in Hellboy's ear* Poor guy lost more than blood that time.

Entreri: *casts a death glare but denies none of it*

Corrine: You know, I was force fed that goddamn series by my friend and the only character that was semi-amusing was…hold up a moment. *notices that Lestat was making his way back down* Ahem, Edward. *waits till he escapes up the chimney* Was that Jacob dude. At least he was a little funny.

Louis: *gives her a strange look* Not to mention you have weird tastes in men.

Corrine: *confused* What do you mean?

Abe: *clears throat and steps in* Need we repeat the list?*

Corrine: *utterly blank look* List?

Abe: *sighs* Darkness from Legend was one.

Hellboy: Goliath from Gargoyles.

Drizzt: Beast from Beauty and the Beast.

Corrine: *starts getting nervous* I get it.

Entreri: Darc from that Arc the Lad video game.

Abe: Vincent Valentine from FF7.

Corrine: *growing increasingly uneasy* Okay, I get the point.

Hellboy: The creature from Frankenstein.

Louis: Yun from Warriors of Virtue.

Corrine: *starts looking a little pale*

Entreri: That demon guy from Clive Barker's Cabal.

Drizzt: *winces* Ooh, that one was brief but violent.

Hellboy: *sighs sadly* Damn her and her lust for demons. It hurts us all. Not to mention that every single one of us has been tortured by you.

Corrine: And?

Abe: *gives her a mildly disgusted look* Not one of the above listed or the present company are either completely human or ever were at one time. You've got weird sexual tastes.

Corrine: *somehow actually embarrassed* So? I don't recall- Edward Cullen. *Lestat jumps out of window from chimney screaming like a dying fan girl* Ahem, recall any complaints about it.

Entreri: *pauses* Wait, are you saying hat you actually tracked all of them down and did the *leans in to whisper* 'rough love' thing?

Corrine: *takes a moment to count them off* All but…*pouts and folds arms* Goliath. It's hard to catch someone that big that can glide.

Drizzt: *confused* Glide? Isn't that just flying?

Corrine: *marches over to fwap him over the head* No, it's not the same thing. If you'd ever watch the show you'd know; they explain that every episode. They ride on air currents and my goddamn Batman outfit isn't actually functional enough to keep up. *grows demonic grin* I'll get him sooner or later.

Hellboy: *suddenly curious* Wait a minute. Lestat can fly too so-

Abe: *fwaps him for Corrine* Gargoyles don't fly; they glide.

Hellboy: *glares briefly* Point being, is that they are both aerially superior to our wicked little bitch. How did she manage to get Lestat?

Louis: *shudders as he remembers* I blocked out that memory mostly. Something about cow blood and running naked in the fields.

All Males: *silently stare at her*

Corrine: What? It was the only way I could figure out. And it worked.

Lestat: *peers over window sill* Truce?

Corrine: *nonchalantly* Hmm? Oh, are you still going on about the whole Cullen thing?

Lestat: *manages to just twitch and take a breath* Yes.

Corrine: Oh, yeah. I'm done tormenting you for now. Just don't pick on Erik no more.

Hellboy: Mental note to self: do not pick on the deformed dude.

All Males: *jogging life saving notation down in mind*

Corrine: *still dwelling on Goliath* I think it's about time for another attempt on our fiendish flying friend.

Abe: What did you try last time?Lestat: Mutton shanks. He is supposedly from Scotland so we though he'd like it.

Louis: *wasn't there at the time* He didn't?

Drizzt: *was there at the mutton attack* That fat one got to it first. *restrains a laugh* Corrine nearly raped him on accident.

Corrine: *shivers in disgust* Ew, cellulite rolls. Just like jello in a burlap bag.

Entreri: *snorts a laugh* Bet that taught you better.

Corrine: *grins innocently* Nope, it didn't. I'd try the same damn thing again if it'll capture that sexy purple bastard.

Louis: *sighs and shakes head* Is there any shade or form in a man you won't accept?

Corrine: *thinks for a moment* Edward.

Lestat: *clasps hand to heart as a few more of his fandom leave to the sparkling side* Stop it, damn you.

Corrine: Anyways, I wanna try bringing him down again. Entreri, I've got plans for you. *pause* Erik's coming too. I love his rope tricks. *pauses again at their frightened and grossed out looks* Yes, its exactly what you're thinking.


	6. Chapter 6

*Night; New York City. The dark is inky in the alleys like squid poo. Two dark figures crouch forebodingly on a building terrace, watching a strangely attractive woman below*

Corrine: *snickers girlishly from her perch* Entreri looks pretty for a cross dresser. *wiggles a bit* Damn, my legs are asleep.

Erik: *ignores her completely*

Corrine: Are you still mad at me for knocking you out with cocaine?

Erik: *growls* No, that indignity was engulfed by this! *points viciously at the penis drawn on his normal cheek*

Corrine: *covers her mouth before she could laugh* At least it's bigger than the average salami? *grins*

Entreri: *embarrassed and infuriated at being dressed in a smutty red dress and left in an alley. Starts yelling* What's going on? When am I going to get attacked already?

Erik: *somewhat curious* So…why aren't you playing the damsel in distress? Wouldn't it be easier than dressing him up?

Corrine: *waves it off* Goliath knows what I look like now. He wouldn't risk saving my ass.

Erik: *raises eyebrow in the dark* And the Batman outfit? Why is it necessary?

Corrine: *gets up to flounce around in her awesome cape and mask* Cause it's frigging amazing and I feel like a real superhero when I wear it. 'Sides, you get to do it all the time.

Erik: *angry* Mine isn't because it is 'frigging amazing'. I wear a disguise because I am a loathsome-

Corrine: *singsong* Cooo-ooorpse. I know.

Erik: *glares*

*Down in the street*

Entreri: *turning about in circles in an attempt to shift his pantyhose* Goddamn these monstrosities! I fucking hate these things!

Random Drunk Guy: *stumbles down the alley* Heee-ll-ooo, pretty lady.

Entreri: *pauses and lowers the gaudy red dress* Oh, crap. *reaches for a dagger* What the hell? All my pretty knives are gone?

Random Drunk Guy: *grins idiotically and saunters up to the assassin* Hey, what's your name candy mamma?

Entreri: *stifles the urge to kill and mutters under his breath* Corrine, if I live through this, I sweat I am going to kill you with a wooden spoon. *takes on a falsetto, porn star voice* Hehe, it's…Catti-brie. *grins evilly at insulting the woman indirectly*

Random Drunk Guy: *laughs stupidly* Catti? I like that. *grabs Entreri's ass*

Entreri: Hey! Hands off, asshole! *forgets the plan and proceeds to beat the living shit out of the man* Never, ever touch a lady's ass like that!

Random Drunk Guy: *getting hurt severely* You're a LADY? I thought you were a cross dresser!

Entreri: *insulted at the fact that he didn't think he was a lady* Freak!

Sudden Growling Voice: *from above* Look who's talking. Now, stop attacking that man.

Entreri: *jumps and looks around from where he was about to curb stomp the drunk* Eh? He attacked me first. What kind of person defends the drunk ass-grabber anyways?

Goliath: *lands in front of the fashion retarded assassin* The same kind that disapproves of men wearing heels.

Entreri: *flinches as the drunk crawls off* Ouch, good point.

Corrine: *suddenly leaps out of nowhere with a net* AAARRRRGGGHHHH! *lands on Goliath's back*

Goliath: Ah! It's a net! Noooo! *tries to beat it off with wings*

Erik: *finally decides to Punjab the nine foot beast* Down with thee, giant purple demon!

Goliath: *chokes and scrambles at neck for the rope* Nooooo! *gets all angry, glowing eyes* RAWR!

Erik: *freaks out and lets go of rope* Run away! *runs away* Run away!

Entreri: *goes to help Corrine but stops to reconsider it* She is such a pain. *watches as Goliath flails her around on his back like a crazed bull* Hmm…

Corrine: *holding on as tight as possible, half tangled in the net* Holy crapola, Entreri! He is so mad!

Entreri: *gives her a 'no shit' look and puts hand on hip* You are trying to kidnap and rape him, you know. *flips hair over shoulder*

Goliath: *suddenly snags him by the neck and starts strangling* You are so gay!

Entreri: *gags* Quick! Give him the- *chokes*

Corrine: *starts beating the gargoyle over the head* What? Give him the what?

Entreri: *holds up one finger as he gets shaken like a hooker holding out on money from her pimp*

Corrine: One word.

Entreri: *taps arm with three fingers*

Corrine: Three syllables, yes?

Goliath: *enraged* I've seen Young Frankenstein, damn it! You are not getting me with a- *suddenly gets shot from behind* sedative.

Corrine: *whoops in celebration as the gargoyle slumps to the ground* He's out!

Entreri: *backs away, rubbing throat* God, that reminded me of Dopetastic Daddy.

Corrine: *odd look*

Entreri: T'was my pimp, long ago.

Erik: *comes from the gloom, reloading an elephant gun with another trank* Damn, I'm good.

Corrine: *finally untangles her bat cape from the ropes and net* Yes you are. *looks at Arty evilly* And so am I! *gloatingly shows a small camera*

Entreri: *loses five more shades of white from his face* You did not.

Corrine: I did. *starts mimicking his porno voice* 'Never ever, ever touch a lady's ass like that!' I love your feminine side.

Entreri: *too horrified to be angry*

Erik: I cannot believe that man assaulted you.

Corrine: Well, attraction comes in many forms…just not female Arty's. I think that guy was blind or gay. *giggles* You totally acted like a chick, dude.

Entreri: *finally pulls himself together and begins plotting to get to the camera* Whatever. Let's get him back home before the meds wear off.

Erik: It'll be some time for that. *plants foot on Goliath's back* I conquered the creature! Muahahahahaha!

Corrine: How long was that evil laugh pent up for? I knew you had it in there, just waiting to come out with Joker like intensity. *cackles the Joker's trademark laugh* See? Fun.

Golaith: *stirs a little* Mommy, make the idiot stop talking. *passes out again*

*silence*

Entreri: Heh, he called you an idiot.

Corrine: *coolly* And you're a precious pretty lady, just like V said, aren't you, Arty?

Entreri: *finally super pissed again. Starts tearing dress off* GODDAMN ALL OF YOU! I HATE YOU AAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

Corrine: *nods at Erik's gun* Please, monsieur?

Erik: *grins grimly* Gladly. *shoots Entreri in the neck*

Entreri: *slaps at it* OW? WHAT THE FUUUUUUU- *dead asleep on top of Goliath*


End file.
